Tuesday, 21 July 2015

10 Things to do if you DON'T have Children.... Right Now

1. Sleep:

RIGHT NOW. Whatever you are currently doing, stop it, put it down and go back to bed. Lounge under your covers and snooze and drink wine and eat chocolate. 

Indulge in your bed, enjoy every minute you can convince yourself to stay between the sheets. Stretch out, use lots of pillows. An afternoon nap at the weekend should be obligatory. Do not even consider surfacing until midday if you do not have to be at work. 

When you have children, sleep is NEVER the same again. Even if you get a lie in, your body clock will just repeatedly tell you that you get up at 5:30am these days. Yes 5:30AM, it's an actual time, and it's an actual getting up time! 

Plus if you've given birth, there is no guarantee that your comfiest sleep positions will remain so, and you might spend your valuable lie in trying to get comfortable, and then have to get up because your body thinks 8am is the middle of the day. I'm not joking. 

2. Go shopping - for yourself: 

Right about now, you are probably more comfortable about your personal style than you will EVER be again. 

If you like those jeans, buy them. Those shorts, buy them. That top you think might be a bit low cut, buy it. If you like what you see in the mirror, go to the till and take those babies home with you. 

Once you become a mum, chances are that you will totally lose a sense of your own personal style. Even if you get back to your pre-pregnancy size (or get in better shape than before!), your style will suddenly morph into something you don't recognise. 

Suddenly, things that felt AMAZING before, will just feel odd now, and you won't be able to explain why. You will have no idea what suits you anymore (most of this being in your head) and you won't have any idea what to try on when you get a precious hour to shop. 

3. Go on holiday, EVERYWHERE:

Seriously, sod the mortgage deposit, or the sensible level of savings, go on holiday, ALL THE TIME. 

Write a list now, of the top ten places you want to go, and visit four of them this year. Machu Picchu is not going to be very exciting if you have to lug a baby and all their crap with you. 

The Maldives isn't going to be so romantic with a screaming toddler. An African Safari won't be so lovely if you are panicking about lions eating your children. 

Hell, just going to Spain and sitting by the pool is not going to be relaxing until your children have flown the nest. One of them will always need a nap, get sunburned or try to drown themselves. 

Go on holiday, make it a priority, you have the rest of your lives to stay home and be skint. 

4. Drink more wine: 

Hangovers without children mean lounging about in bed until the middle of the afternoon, eating yummy food and drinking wine for it's "hair of the dog" effects. 

DO IT! Get a hangover, nurse the hangover and then repeat. 

There is nothing like a hangover (after one glass of wine) and having to get up at 5:30am and play peekaboo and read The Gruffolo twenty times before the sun rises. You will curse the day someone first crushed a grape. 

5. Send birthday cards, to anyone you've ever met: 

If you manage to brush your teeth, shower, brush your hair, get dressed and put on make up BEFORE 9am, and get to work, this will be easy for you. 

Great Auntie Jean will love the card, it will mean a lot to her. And it might mean your mum forgives you in the future when you lose the ability to remember any date at all, and forget to send her a birthday card (This will happen, I'm sorry). 

It is amazing how much space The Gruffolo takes up in your head, alongside the mountain of ironing you never seem to get through. 

6. Sit down and read a book: 

For hours on end. Read a book from start to finish in one sitting. Sit on holiday with your feet in the pool and read the entirety of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Devour Pride and Prejudice for the 85th time. Read New Moon again, and cry again. 

This is decadence. The silence, the peace. The ability to concentrate on the words on the page, for hours on end. A book WITHOUT pictures. 

7. Go out for lunch: 

Go and sit with your other half, your friends, your family, and order whatever you'd like to eat. Then, when it comes, eat it all, by yourself. 

DO NOT SHARE WITH ANYONE. Do not allow anyone to eat off your fork. Eat every last mouthful by yourself and savour the flavour. Wash it down with wine (see above) and be carried home before going to bed at 5pm on a Saturday because you've had too much of a good time. 

8. Wear a bikini:

At work, in the middle of the street, on holiday. Wear that bikini. Whether you are a size 8 or a size 84, you will never be as confident of your body as you are now. It is unmarked by pregnancy and childbirth, whether mental or physical. 

you don't have to worry about small hands grasping and removing said bikini, quite by accident. Or asking you why your tummy wobbles. Adults have some grasp of not talking about fat in public, embrace that while you can. Toddlers have no ability to censor, so your entire body is a talking point. 

9. Watch your favourite films, over and over again. 

It doesn't matter if you are a secret Twilight fan (I"m a not so secret fan) or you are an Oscar Winning lover. If you like it, watch it. 

Watch a film that's aimed at adults and revel in the full sentences and complicated plot line. Topsy and Tim just does not compare, trust me. And you'll be too tired to watch an entire film later, I promise you! 

10. Do nothing. 

Sit in a chair and stare at the wall. Think about the most random of things, without interruption. Listen to the silence. It'll be a long time until you hear that again. 

Do nothing, and enjoy it. You are wasting time, you are making the most of it. 

Babies and toddlers and (I suspect) children are wonderful and amazing creatures, but they demand a rather large amount of attention, rendering most of the above out of your reach for a significant period of time. 

You have some time on your hands, use it wisely!